It’s supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year”, right? We look forward to tree decorating, cookie making, gift shopping and party planning. The holidays are full of traditions and rituals which used to orient us…before grief and loss. Those things we used to love and look forward to around the holidays now feel daunting and empty without the one we loved so dearly.
Those who have experienced loss this year were invited to a service called “The Heart Remembers” at Heritage Life Story Funeral Home. Friends and family were encouraged to stop, remember, celebrate and honor the loss of their loved one. We listened to music, lit candles, and had a time to share food and fellowship with one another. Our guest speaker was Gwen Kapcia, grief guide and Executive Director of Starlight Ministries.
With grief and loss, everything changes. Everything is different. Nothing feels the same, especially the holidays. Here are a few takeaways from our time of learning from Gwen as she provided guidance and some thoughtful ideas for the holidays.
If you are one who is grieving, acknowledge that things are different. Allow yourself to say it out loud and admit that it is “okay to not be okay” this holiday season. Next, listen to how you are feeling about the “normal” traditions and rituals you do this time of year. Do you want to do them? Some of them? None of them? Do they need to be changed in light of the loss you have experienced…even just for this year? Communicate how you are feeling to those who love you. Ask them to help you make necessary adjustments this year. The people in your circle are likely wrestling with how to make things better for you and will appreciate your honesty. For example, if the empty chair at the end of the table is something you are dreading, give yourself permission to change it up! It doesn’t mean you can’t return to it at some point, but maybe for this year you go out to a restaurant or eat on trays in the family room around the Christmas tree. It’s ok to make adjustments. It’s ok for things to be different.
When we grieve, we need each other.
For those of you who are supporting someone who is grieving, acknowledge that the holidays are difficult and drastically different under the weight of loss. Acknowledge it out loud and offer to help come up with creative ways to make necessary changes this year. Often when loss has occurred, people avoid speaking about it and the feelings associated with it. They think talking about it or saying that person’s name will make it worse. Don’t allow the loss of a loved one to be the elephant in the room. Reminisce when it is appropriate. Allow people to share feelings and memories. Take the lead!
Keep hope alive for the future. The holidays will always be different, but the joy will return.
Those of us here at Heritage Life Funeral Homes want to extend our support, especially during this holiday season. Feel free to reach out for resources as you and your family walk this road of grief together.